Navigating relationships can be complex, even when you have two people who are highly empathetic. When you add a narcissist into the mix, things can become even more challenging. Then add another narcissist, and the stage is set for a truly dramatic performance. In this article, we explore the dynamics of two narcissists in a relationship. We take a look at the clash of egos, the conflicts, and the rare moments of harmony that can punctuate such a partnership.
First, let’s define what a narcissist is. Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others. It’s associated with an inflated sense of self-worth and a belief of being superior to others. Narcissists tend to have difficulty forming genuine emotional connections and often manipulate others for their own gain.
Now, imagine two individuals with these traits in a romantic relationship. The result can be a power struggle where each person is vying for control and validation from the other. Both partners demand attention, praise, and admiration, leading to constant competition and conflict. Commonly, narcissists enter into relationships with partners who cater to their needs and give them the attention they crave. But when two narcissists are in a relationship, this dynamic doesn’t exist. So let’s take a look at how this plays out.
15 common patterns of two narcissists in a relationship
Here are some common patterns that may emerge in a relationship between two narcissists.
1. Power struggles
With both partners seeking to be the center of attention and dominate the other, power struggles are bound to occur. Narcissists have an inherent need to be in control. So when you have two narcissists in a relationship, each one will try to assert their dominance over the other. This can lead to constant conflict and a toxic, high-pressure environment. These power struggles can range from subtle moves, such as one partner interrupting the other in conversation, to more dramatic displays of dominance and control. It can be exhausting for both partners, who are constantly trying to one-up each other while neither is willing to give ground.
2. Lack of empathy
Empathy is a crucial component in any healthy, meaningful relationship. However, in a relationship between two narcissists, it’s often lacking or completely non-existent. This can make communication and conflict resolution extremely difficult. Both partners may struggle to understand each other’s perspectives and emotions, leading to constant misunderstandings and hurtful interactions. There is often a tendency for both partners to dismiss each other’s feelings and needs, seeing them as insignificant in comparison to their own.
3. Frequent conflicts and dramas
With two individuals who constantly crave attention and validation, the relationship can quickly become dramatic and chaotic. Both partners are focused on their own needs, even if that’s at the expense of their partner’s. This can lead to frequent conflicts and dramas as each person fights for their own wants and desires without considering the impact on the other.
4. Lack of genuine emotional connection
Narcissists often have difficulty forming genuine emotional connections with others. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can be even more pronounced. There may be moments of intense passion and chemistry between the two, but this is often superficial and lacks true emotional depth. Feeling seen, heard, and understood on a deep level is generally difficult in such a relationship.
5. Clash of egos
One of the most significant challenges in a relationship between two narcissists is dealing with the clash of egos. Both believe they are the most important and deserving person in the relationship, which can lead to an expectation that they should always come first. This can cause constant friction and resentment, as neither is prepared to back down or compromise their own needs for the other.
6. Communication challenges.
Narcissists tend to have difficulty with communication, as they often struggle to understand and validate others’ perspectives. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can make effective communication nearly impossible. Both partners are often focused on voicing their own opinions but not truly listening to each other. You can’t have a healthy relationship without effective communication, and when you have two narcissists in a relationship, this is challenging to achieve.
7. Defensiveness during conflict.
One of the most painful moments for a narcissist is when their ego takes a hit. In a relationship between two narcissists, conflicts are inevitable. When one partner criticizes or challenges the other, both may become extremely defensive. This can quickly escalate into tense arguments and personal attacks as each tries to protect their fragile sense of self-worth. It can become a vicious cycle, with both partners constantly defending themselves and attacking the other instead of finding a resolution.
8. Silent treatment.
When a narcissist feels slighted or ignored, they may resort to the silent treatment as a form of punishment. When you have two narcissists in a relationship, this can become a common occurrence. Each partner may use the silent treatment as a way to control and manipulate the other person. This can fuel the power struggles within the relationship. In addition, both partners may refuse to back down or apologize out of fear of appearing weak. As such, the silent treatment can go on for extended periods, causing even more damage to the relationship.
9. Vying for the spotlight.
In a relationship between two narcissists, neither wants to play second fiddle. As a result, there may be constant competition for attention and validation from others. Each partner may seek to outshine the other in social situations or any other setting where they can garner admiration and praise. For example, in group conversations, they may interrupt and talk over each other in a bid to be in the spotlight.
10. Resenting each other’s success.
A common trait among narcissists is envy. Both partners may feel threatened by the other’s success, leading to resentment and jealousy. Instead of being happy for each other and celebrating each other’s achievements, there may be a sense of competition, comparison, and bitterness. More extreme cases can involve one or both partners purposely sabotaging the other’s accomplishments to maintain a sense of superiority.
11. Inability to take responsibility.
Narcissists struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and are quick to deflect blame onto others. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can become even more pronounced as each partner tries to avoid accountability or fault in the relationship. They can end up trying to push all the blame onto each other, leading to a cycle of finger-pointing.
12. Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is common in relationships with narcissists, and it can be even more prevalent when both partners are narcissistic. This is a form of emotional manipulation where one person tries to distort their partner’s perception of reality by making them doubt their own feelings and experiences. Conflicts can quickly turn into a gaslighting scenario in these relationships, with each partner trying to twist the other’s words and emotions to suit their own agenda. It may involve phrases like “No, you said that,” “You’re making that up,” or “That never happened.”
13. Difficulty with compromise and sacrifice.
A healthy relationship requires compromise, understanding, and willingness to make sacrifices for the other person. However, in a relationship between two narcissists, this is often challenging to achieve. Seeing as both partners have an inflated sense of self-importance, they feel entitled to get what they want, making it difficult to find common ground or make sacrifices for the other person’s happiness. As a result, you end up with situations where neither partner is willing to budge.
14. Measuring success through external validation.
Narcissists often base their self-worth on external validation and achievements rather than internal qualities and values. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can lead to constant pressure to maintain a certain image and pursue success in the eyes of others. As a couple, they may be highly focused on material possessions, social status, and outward appearances rather than building a strong and healthy relationship based on genuine connection and mutual respect.
15. Mind games.
Mind games are a common tactic used by narcissists to gain control and manipulate their partners. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can become an intense battle of wills as each partner tries to outmaneuver the other. Guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, and other manipulative tactics may be used to get what they want from their partner.
The attraction between two narcissists
So we have established that a relationship between two narcissists can be tumultuous and challenging, but what is it that brings these two individuals together in the first place? Often, it’s their mutual recognition of shared characteristics that initially attract them to each other.
Some narcissists seek out partners who reflect their own qualities and traits back to them. In a relationship between two narcissists, this can create an illusion of understanding and compatibility. Both partners see themselves in the other person, and it feeds their need for validation and admiration.
There can be a sense of exhilaration in finding someone who seemingly understands and appreciates them on such a deep level. The relationship may progress rapidly, with each partner idealizing the other, leading to feelings of invincibility and a shared belief that they are a match made in heaven.
Additionally, the intensity and passion in a relationship between two narcissists can be addictive if they both thrive on drama and chaos. It can feel like a constant rollercoaster, with highs and lows that keep them engaged and hooked on each other. However, as the relationship progresses, these initial attractions often turn into destructive behaviors and patterns that ultimately lead to the unhealthy dynamics described above.
Fictional narcissistics in a relationship
There are several examples of fictional narcissists in relationships, especially in popular culture and literature. Let’s take a look at a few of them and how their narcissism impacts their relationships:
1. Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan from “The Great Gatsby”
In this novel, both Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan embody narcissistic traits in different ways. Gatsby’s entire persona is built on his obsession with wealth, status, and the desire to win back his former love, Daisy. He manipulates situations and people to create a facade that fits his idealized version of himself. Similarly, Daisy is self-absorbed and materialistic, using her charm and beauty to maintain her image and social status.
2. Amy Dunne and Nick Dunne from “Gone Girl”
In “Gone Girl,” both Amy and Nick display narcissistic behaviors, which ultimately leads to their toxic and manipulative relationship. Both are highly focused on maintaining their public image and using each other for personal gain. They constantly try to one-up each other, leading to a vicious cycle of deception and manipulation.
3. Claire Underwood and Frank Underwood from “House of Cards”
In this political drama, both Claire and Frank exhibit narcissistic traits as they navigate their way through power struggles and manipulation in their marriage. They are ruthless, power-hungry, and focused on their own ambitions, often using each other for personal gain. Their lives are fueled by their desire for control and success at any cost.
4. Joe Goldberg and Love Quinn from “You”
In this psychological thriller, Joe and Love are both heavily influenced by their narcissistic tendencies, leading to a dangerous relationship full of mind games. This is taken to the extreme and involves stalking, manipulation, and cold-blooded murder. It’s clear that neither Joe nor Love feels empathy or remorse for their actions.
Final thoughts on two narcissists in a relationship
While two narcissists in a relationship may initially feel a strong attraction based on shared characteristics, it often leads to an unhealthy dynamic filled with manipulation and self-centered behaviors. It’s no surprise that relationships like this rarely last in the long run, as true love and connection require empathy, compromise, and mutual respect. These qualities are often lacking in narcissistic individuals.
That being said, it’s important to remember that not all narcissists are the same, and individuals can change and grow over time. For those who find themselves in such a partnership, the key lies in recognizing the dysfunctional patterns and actively working to address them. Whether through therapy, self-reflection, or open, honest communication, there is hope for growth, even in the most challenging of circumstances.
