The Inside Scoop on the INFJ Door Slam

INFJ door slam blog cover

The INFJ door slam is a term used to describe the moment when an INFJ personality type decides they are done with someone. This “door slamming” usually happens after the INFJ has been hurt or betrayed in some way. While it might seem like a rash decision, there is usually a lot of thought and consideration that goes into an INFJ door slam.

INFJs are notoriously loyal friends and partners. We tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them numerous chances to redeem themselves, even after they have hurt us. However, there comes a point where enough is enough, and we cut people out of our lives completely. This is what is known as an INFJ door slam.

Introvert writing

INFJs tend to be private people, so when we do door-slam someone, it’s usually because we have already tried to talk to them about the issue and they have not listened or taken responsibility for their actions. We realize that there is no point in trying to repair something that is beyond repair, so we move on.

We do not take these decisions lightly, but sometimes they are necessary in order to protect ourselves from further hurt and pain. If you have been on the receiving end of an INFJ door slam, know that it was probably not something we wanted to do but felt we had no other choice.

Ten potential causes of an INFJ door slam

When an INFJ decides to door-slam someone, it is usually because that person has hurt them deeply in some way. Here are some of the most common reasons why we shut people out of our lives:

1. You lied to us. We take honesty very seriously, and if you have lied to us, it is a sign that you do not value our trust. We might give you a second chance if the lie was minor, but if it was something major, we will likely door-slam you. We have few intimate relationships and we only open up to a select number of people who we truly value and respect. So if you lie to us, we will cut you out of our lives.

2. You betrayed our trust. In some ways, this is similar to lying, but it also includes things like breaking confidence or talking behind our backs. If we decide that you cannot be trusted, we won’t want to keep you in our lives. We are very sensitive people, and even though we might not show it, we feel things very deeply. If you have said or done something to hurt us, it will take a long time for us to forgive you. And if we feel like you have betrayed our trust, we often feel that the connection is beyond the point of repair.

3. You took advantage of our kindness. We are very giving people, and we will do anything for the people we love. However, there are some people who take advantage of our kindness and generosity. If we feel like you are taking advantage of us, we will probably indicate that we feel the relationship is one-sided. If you continue to take advantage of our good nature, we will end the friendship or relationship.  

4. You hurt someone we love. This one is a deal-breaker for us. We will door-slam you if you hurt someone we love, whether it is physical, emotional, or mental hurt. We are very protective of the people we love, and we will not tolerate anyone who tries to hurt them. In fact, we will protect those close to us at all costs.

5. You are toxic. We can only take so much negativity in our lives, and if we feel like you are a toxic person, we will door-slam you. We naturally absorb other people’s emotions. So being subject to toxic, negative behavior, such as emotional manipulation, is extremely stressful for us. In fact, it can significantly impact our mental health long term. Of course, we don’t expect it to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. We understand that life is full of ups and downs. But if we feel like you have crossed the line into ‘toxic’ territory, we will not hesitate to door-slam you.

Leaf

6. You repeatedly ignored our needs. We are problem-solvers by nature, and we will usually try to find a way to fix a situation before giving up on it. However, there are only so many times we can voice our needs without seeing change. If we feel like you are repeatedly ignoring our needs, we will eventually door-slam you. We need to feel like our voice is being heard. If you won’t listen after we’ve clearly stated that something is important to us, we will cut you out of our lives to protect ourselves from getting hurt even more.

7. You made us feel like we didn’t matter. We are complex individuals who tend to go through life being misunderstood. In addition, we make a huge effort to ensure that those close to us feel appreciated. But we need to feel valued too. If you made us feel like we didn’t matter, it is a sign that you don’t value us or respect us. And we will door-slam you.

8. You broke a promise. We hold our promises very close to our hearts. And if you break a promise, it is a sign that you don’t value our word. We’re the type of people who always stick to our word and we’ll be there for you in times of need. Following through is something that we take seriously and we expect the same from those we are close to.

9. You don’t treat people well.  We are very aware of how you treat other people, not only us. Kindness is a trait that we value beyond words. We aim to bring as much happiness and positivity to other people’s lives. So, if we see that you don’t treat people well, it is a major red flag for us. For example, if you are rude to a waiter or cab driver. This is a sign that you don’t have respect for others and that you think you are better than them. And we will not tolerate that type of behavior from anyone, let alone someone we are close to.

10. You crossed a boundary. We have very strong boundaries, and we expect others to respect them. If you cross a boundary that we have communicated in a clear and direct manner, it is a sign that you don’t care about our feelings or respect our wishes. And we will door-slam you.

Whatever the reason, when an INFJ reaches their breaking point, they will not hesitate to shut that person out of their lives completely. When we reach this stage, it’s because we can’t see any other way to stop the emotional pain.

Five signs of an impending INFJ door slam

You don’t always see an INFJ door slam coming, but there are usually signs that precede it. There are the signs to look out for:

1. We become distant. The first sign that an INFJ is about to door-slam someone is that we become distant. We will no longer be as invested in the relationship and will start to withdraw. This is because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt any further.

2. We stop confiding in you. Another sign that an INFJ is about to door-slam someone is that we stop confiding in you. Sharing our inner world with someone is scary for INFJs. It’s reserved for only a select few. If we don’t trust you anymore, we’ll stop sharing our thoughts and feelings with you.

3. We start focusing on our own needs. A third sign that an INFJ is about to door-slam someone is that we become apathetic. We stop making sure you have everything you need to be happy. Instead, we start focusing on protecting ourselves and our own well-being. By this point, we will have experienced a lot of hurt.

Spooky river

4. We become numb to pain. A fourth sign that an INFJ is about to door-slam someone is that we become numb to pain. That door-slamming tipping point is often reached after being hurt again and again. It can almost be like a light switch where we decide to detach from you. When this happens, things you say or do that used to hurt us, might not impact us at all because we have checked out.

5. We become apathetic. The final sign that an INFJ is about to door-slam someone is that we become apathetic. By this point, we have lost all interest in the relationship and will no longer fight for it. At this stage, we have no energy left to argue. We will be calm and collected when we tell you that we’re done.

Can you come back from an INFJ door slam?

If you’ve been door-slammed by an INFJ, it’s a serious situation. It’s not impossible to come back from it, but it’s certainly hard. Ultimately, it depends on your history, the strength of your connection, exactly what went wrong, and whether they believe you have fundamentally changed.

The first step is to understand why you were door-slammed in the first place. Once you know what went wrong, you can start to make things right. This will be a difficult and slow process.

You will need to prove that you have changed and that you are worthy of their trust again. Only then, will they even consider letting you back into their lives.

Showing that you’ve changed isn’t just telling them that you’re sorry. Actions speak louder than words. Take personal development courses. Go to therapy. Speak to people in similar situations. Change is possible, but it takes dedication and time.

INFJs are some of the most loyal and loving people out there. We truly want the best for people, so please know that we only door-slam people when we see no other way out of the emotional pain. It’s a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from further suffering. So, be careful not to push us over the edge. If we forgive you, it won’t come easily.

When is a door slam the right thing to do?

There are times when a door slam is the best and only way to protect ourselves. If someone is toxic or abusive, we need to cut them out of our lives completely. In addition, if you have clearly communicated your boundaries to someone and they disrespected them, a door slam might be a necessary measure.

Plant

INFJs are known for their intuition, and this is the time to listen to it.  If your gut is telling you that someone is bad for you, trust it. You need to do what’s best for you, even if that means hurting someone else (something that is particularly hard for INFJs) or sacrificing a once highly-valued relationship.

If you’re thinking about door-slamming someone, make sure you’ve thought it through clearly. This is a big decision with long-lasting repercussions. Once you door-slam someone, that’s potentially it forever. So, be sure that it’s the right thing to do before you take such a drastic step.

In general, it’s best not to door-slam someone right after an argument when your emotions are running high. At the very least, sleep on it, talk it through with friends, and then see how you feel.

What should you do after an INFJ door slam?

Whether you’re the door-slammer or you’ve been door-slammed, it’s a painful situation.  Whichever end of the door slam you’re on, give yourself time to grieve. This is a loss, and it’s okay to mourn.

Understand that it will take time to heal. There are a lot of emotions involved in door-slamming situations and it will take time to recover.  Don’t try to force anything. Just let it happen naturally.

If you were door-slammed, take a moment to reflect. Did you do something to contribute to the situation? What can you learn from this experience? What could you change to improve for the future? You may come to the conclusion that you weren’t in the wrong, which is possible. But do some self-work and figure out if that’s genuinely the case.

If you were the door-slammer, remind yourself that you didn’t take the situation lightly. INFJs aren’t impulsive and you did what was necessary at the time to protect yourself. Not all relationships are meant to last. If you still care about someone, it’s possible to want the best for someone from a distance.

Once you’ve processed the anger and resentment, try to get to a place where you can let it go. You’ll want to avoid carrying this around with you.

Share this post to help people understand the INFJ door slam

So what have we learned today? We’ve explored the most common causes for an INFJ door slam, some warning signs that it might be about to happen to you, and whether you can come back from it.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out our other post on INFJs and INFJ compatibility.

Finally, if you know anyone who you think might benefit from learning more about the INFJ door slam, share this post with them and see what they think!

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